Tuesday, February 28, 2012

today was a good day.

i made scones and jam (peach mango!) for the first time, and it was a rather good attempt, if i say so myself. and i enjoyed every bit of it, as i was elbow deep in sticky dough, with flour on my face, and little red spots where little bits of boiling jam had splattered. even if i don't get things perfect the first time, somehow i look forward to doing it again, and making adjustments, and making my food better. i don't think i've ever felt that way about anything other than music before.

now i can't sleep because my stomach is SO FULL.

while i was busy in the kitchen, the dreams and stories that have been simmering in the back of my mind for months (years pa nga ata) were bubbling to the surface (which is why i got splattered with boiling jam in the first place). but the ideas are all separate and choppy, though i have a weird sense that they all belong in the same story.

so bear with me if the next few entries end up being bits and pieces of a story i haven't figured out how to tell yet.

biankikay at Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Friday, February 10, 2012

sometimes, when i feel bad about the stupid mistakes i've made, i tell myself these weren't things i really meant, or i listen to I Never Really Loved You Anyway.

other times, i find myself wondering if i'm heartless. in order to reassure myself that i'm not, i tell myself i wouldn't have done/said that if i didn't mean it, or i shower-sing I Will Always Love You.

huh.

biankikay at Friday, February 10, 2012

Thursday, February 09, 2012

the one i can instantly recognize but never seem to remember once i wake up. in another eerily real dream, where i could not only see and hear, but feel and smell and taste, there was that face. i always wake up, trying to find the name that went with the face, but there seems to be no record of the name in my memories. strange.

it is this person who always helps me hide from whatever it is that's chasing me, always across some perilous, physically-impossible-to-cross-alive bridge, always holding my hand. sometimes i think it's my soulmate, who i probably haven't met. sometimes i think it's god or jesus or mother earth or whoever. other times i think its my conscience. i tend to lean toward the first option, since there's something that tells me it isn't a part of me (so cross out the conscience), and it's not supernatural (so not whoever created the universe).

i know that face. this morning i woke up with the feeling that i had come across it before in real life. or has it appeared in my dreams so often that it feels that way?

the only thing i can remember about this mystery person is that he (yes, it's always a he) is tall. maybe it's my alter ego? tall. not female, can do stuff i can't, someone i know but don't actually know...?

my mind's been on this all day, hoping that when i sleep tonight i can go back to that place so that when i wake tomorrow i know who or what that face belongs to and this question will stop bothering me.

biankikay at Thursday, February 09, 2012

Saturday, January 21, 2012

maybe i spend too much time locked up in my room alone. but it doesn't end, this fear of the world, of people. my parents are beginning to harass me into getting a new job; they keep sending me writing prospects and whatnot. what they don't understand is that i don't want to write like that. i cannot write like that. it's not because of any issues i may have encountered, or that i'm being picky. i'm saying i'm not a writer.

it is this realization that has caused me to uproot myself from the ok job i had going, more than anything. i write here, and on facebook every now and then, but these are entries only meant for myself. anybody who reads this won't really take too much stock from what i write here, because it's about me, and i'm just a regular person with a computer and an internet connection. but i cannot say things about what is unfamiliar to me, something i am uninterested in. i'm uncomfortable when my parents and their friends refer me to other people they know, when in reality they don't know what they're saying. they've never read my work. nobody does, other than you, every now and then. and even if you're the type to keep tabs once in a while, only i can see everything i've said. i write in code sometimes, or keep entries to myself.

so i'm not a writer. i'm just someone who can't keep her thoughts to herself.

but still the waves of worry and disappointment and constant "aren't you looking for a job yet?"s come and i don't know what to say or do about it.

and i'm so afraid. of what, i don't know.

biankikay at Saturday, January 21, 2012

Friday, January 20, 2012

i would write for you
any time
any day
from the white noise in my head
and the silence of my night
with the quick scratching sounds of my pen
and the sure clicking of typing keys
after screams
a bang
a crackling blaze
a breath.

and only i would know
how it came to be
this writing
of sadness
and of pain
in the brief time it takes
when you pick up the paper
see the names on the dirty gray page
my words smudging the tips of your fingers.

biankikay at Friday, January 20, 2012

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

it's been so long since i wrote anything in a remotely creative fashion. this is a desperate (and rather sad) attempt to get that ball rolling.
***************************************************************************************************************
i'm so tired of your face
always stretched just so
in a smirk
never quite a smile
like you've got a secret i can
never know

and with that smug expression
you make a sound
in the back of your throat
like a clicking tongue
ticking
that makes my skin crawl
my blood race

so i'm sick of your face
as you count down to nothing
waving your hands
telling me
without really saying
that there's something
i must be doing

and you look down on me
smirking
clicking
waving
always looking down
on me from your spot on the wall.

- The Clock

biankikay at Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

how presumptuous to think that anyone's time is their own, or anybody else's.

nothing as precious as time can ever be owned, and nothing as precious as a person can ever be claimed.

just sayin.

biankikay at Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

is today's friendly mental note, brought about by the realization that i won't be here next week.

at every major turning point in my life, i've had to leave a place that has become a comforting haunt, and a bunch of people who know my nickname and how i like my coffee. i don't know how many starbucks branches i no longer frequent. seems like a lot for someone who hasn't been drinking coffee regularly all that long.

and isn't it a damn shame to leave your friendly neighborhood comfort zone behind? sure there will be other places, but it's never the same. maybe the barista used to memorize your food order, as well as your usual coffee. maybe they used to write little notes on your cup, like "have a nice day!" and "cheer up!" maybe they threw in extra butter to go with your monday breakfast bagel. maybe they gave you a free cookie on your birthday. it seems like such a minute part of your routine, getting coffee or tea. but that there's someone out there who recognizes your face and knows how you drink your coffee can be a huge thing. hey, even my parents don't remember how i like my coffee.

you probably haven't thought about it that much, but the people who can tell you're having a bad day because you just ordered a huge slice of cake, even though they don't know much else around you, have this strange insight into your world, your self, in a way that most of your nearest and dearest don't. never mind that they are trained and paid to be friendly and to strike up a conversation every now and then, or to remember what you always order on wednesday afternoons. you don't know them, and they don't know you, but a familiar face anywhere can do wonders when it comes to lightening up your day.

today, i went to starbucks for tea. it had been months since i last encountered this particular barista, but he remembered my name, and despite the long line, asked why i wasn't getting my usual. the barista who handed me my drink, the girl who was always chatty and friendly, answered for me, saying i probably already had coffee today, and that i probably had a sore throat, like the last time i ordered tea. these weren't my only reasons for buying tea today instead of coffee, but goddamn it, she was right. and then they both said, "planner season na. see you tomorrow!"

i don't know anything about these two people, but they're staples in the scene that i'm about to exit from, and since they always made me feel better about my day somehow, i am actually going to miss them.

so here are your tips, friendly coffee people. you've made the humdrum chained-to-my-desk days loads better. thanks for that.

biankikay at Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

i'm trying not to sound dramatic, but here it goes.

everything i thought was true about myself was disproved when i came here. it was a terrible shock for me, and it felt even worse because i no longer knew anything.

i still don't know which way is up.

biankikay at Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011

my condition, my ailment. i won't go into detail anymore, it isn't the point. besides i'm tired of having to explain it to everyone who asks when i don't quite understand it myself.

it's awful. not so much the sickness, but the strange looks, the pity pats, the you-can't-eat-that's. i'm sick of it. i'm no different than before. but suddenly i'm the sick girl who has to be lectured about vegetables and exercise.

sure, i used to have the occasional mcdo meal, and i always had dessert, but never have i been accused of not eating my veggies, because i like veggies. i eat right. i only consume an entire cup of rice when i'm famished. otherwise, i have less. i have salad whenever i can, and i cut out the fat from meat. perhaps i don't exercise all that much, but live a life like mine and you'll see why finding time to do so is such a feat. it's not like i don't ride my stationary bike while watching tv, or do my stretches in the morning. i walk whenever i can. i stand and sit and stand and sit lie down stand kneel lie down sit up stand (don't know what you call that exercise). i do crunches and squats and a round of jumping jacks. maybe i don't go to a gym to lift weights and whatnot. it doesn't mean i lie in bed stuffing my face all day. i just don't like being all sweaty and gross with other people around. is that wrong?

it could be that the hormones are starting to adjust, or maybe it's the food deprivation. but all the same, i don't appreciate the lectures on health, especially while you're washing down a pastry with a bottle of iced tea or helping yourself to seconds of pasta drowning in processed tomato sauce.

biankikay at Friday, September 16, 2011

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